Dejection? Infection! Zombie Infestation!
by Moiderah
Summary: The girls are miserable. Let's face it, adult life is a drag, and it's not really too fun. When the apocalypse comes along, though, it seems that, ironically, a bunch of zeds to shoot may be the best medicine. Heavily inspired by Left4Dead and Zombieland.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Grounds For Divorce

* * *

_Two days ago_

_21:32, Tokyo-to, Southern boundaries…__**Ground Zero **_

_A man was holding a rabbit. He pet it, lovingly holding it as he walked. He put it into a cage, before turning around. It was then that he stopped suddenly. A knife was taken out of his back as he bled out on the floor. His assailant took the rabbit out of its cage. It was then that things took a nasty left turn. The assailant, an eco-terrorist, was killed swiftly. His head was removed as the rabbit ripped it off._

_The rabbit started to eat his flesh, the little guy having been turned into a ravenous beast. Several more people ran into the halls, wondering what the commotion was, only to suffocate horribly. They then rose, a twisted, bloody expression on their faces, eyes blank, mouth leaking blood, as they ran out of the building at high speed, screaming horribly as they did so._

_Within hours, a square kilometer, vulnerable and completely unprepared for an attack, was taken over by the virus._

_Within a day, it infected several thousand Japanese. The government claimed it was a flu. _

_Oh, how wrong they were. _

_

* * *

_

Tomo smoked. She smoked like a chimney. Ever since she got the job, she smoked. It was calming, yes, but when you're dealing with some retards who can't shut up about how their crime that they had so very _clearly _committed wasn't their fault, it's no surprise that she turned to cigarettes for her sanity.

Now, Tomo knew that she was just like that in high school, but to see it in person…

Yeah. She felt sorry for her friends now.

"Damn it."

"Nothing yet?" Her boss walked in. He was a tall man, balding, slightly lanky, mustachioed. He wore a uniform, sans jacket.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." She stared at the interrogation screen, flicking ash off of her cigarette as she did so. "He's doing the usual whiny shit." Her partner was inside, grilling him for info. Well, it looked ineffective. "In a few seconds, I'm gonna go in there and _destroy _that guy."

"Alright. Just don't be _too _harsh. I know what you did last summer."

"He blew up a bus, and then tried to tell us that a mouse pulled the trigger and was plotting against him. It was justified."

"If you say so."

After a few minutes of more whining, the partner walked in. He was a scrawny man, and completely unprepared for the wildcat that was Tomo Takino. The poor little cadet was about to get a taste of hell.

"You done? I'll finish the job." Tomo flicked her cigarette into the ash tray, cracking her knuckles.

The poor guy walked into the viewing room. He turned to the chief. "Is she always this…harsh?"

"She's usually worse."

As if on cue, the perp started squealing. Having a very scary woman yelling at you was enough to get anyone to talk.

"Ooooooh…shit."

"Ah. She's good."

While some would say that Tomo was simply a very serious person, she was actually just plain miserable. The way she conducted her business was far different from the standard rules of police procedure. The way she lived her life, however, was normal.

And being separated from her friends was pretty bad…especially Yomi…

_Yomi. _She went to a different college after high school. She never saw her after that. That was the worst one; Tomo had nobody, and didn't bother to talk to anyone afterwards.

Tomo walked past the various blocks of buildings. She went to a nearby bar, picked up a six-pack, and went home to her own apartment. She picked a packet off of the floor outside of her room, and brought it inside.

Her job paid well, but Tomo didn't want to clean too much. Her apartment was tiny; one bedroom, one bathroom, one kitchen. That's it. She didn't want anything more; that would be excessive. She sat on her bed, took off her clothes, and set a beer by her bedside. She turned on her Ps3, and started to play.

* * *

Yomi was not a very happy woman. She never was known for her uplifting attitude in the office. She was hard working, yes, but not happy.

And so, she sat at her desk, typing mindlessly away onto her computer. It was then that her subordinate walked in from behind. "Koyomi?"

"Yes?" She replied, a bored expression on her face, not even bothering to turn and face the offending person.

"We need those reports by tonight, not tomorrow…sorry about the short not-"

"Here."

"Already?" He looked genuinely surprised. "Wow…you really _do _work fas-"

"Just get it and _go _already."

"Yes 'um." He ran off quickly.

Yomi sighed. "Interns."

"Also, you have something for yah…it's a package of some sort."

"You _could _just leave at my apartment like most _sane _people."

"It says 'urgent.' I'd say that you need to read it."

* * *

"Urgent…" Tomo looked at the package in her hands. She tore off the top of the box to reveal…a needle.

"Damn. Hate those things." She picked it up, revealing a note from Chiyosuke…

"Chiyo-chan?" She looked at the note.

_Tomo-_

_I'm sorry for the short notice, but you need to take this vaccine as soon as possible. It appears that there was an incident in your prefecture. It involves a virus._

_Are you familiar with zombie films?_

_If so, take this. It will render you immune to the virus. It does not spread through bites. The virus spreads through airborne molecules._

_Even if you aren't familiar with them, take it anyways. Though, knowing you, you probably are._

_The military will take five days to evacuate you and the others from your place in Tokyo. _

_Do not stay in your homes. Find the others. I have a list of addresses, each containing someone from high school. Yes, Tomo, that includes Yomi. _

_Please survive until then._

_-Chiyo_

_P.S.: I never wanted this to happen._

"What the hell?" She looked at the syringe.

* * *

Yomi took her needle. "Ah, what the hell." She plunged it into her arm.

* * *

Tomo flinched as she injected the fluid into her bloodstream.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

There was an alarm. Tomo lazily got up as the Television set in front of the bed turned on, a warning signal on it. She rubbed her eyes, looking at the television. The TV blared, as the words "Epidemic! Epidemic! Remain in your homes until help arrives!" flashed across the screen. Tomo scrambled to the television set, then looked at the letter that Chiyo wrote.

"My god…she was _right._"

Tomo grabbed a shotgun out of her closet, having kept one just in case one of her many enemies had arrived. She loaded it, threw a bandoleer over her head, and shoved a pistol into her holster. She grabbed a bokken, and loaded everything.

"It's go time!"

She kicked down the door. And the bloodshed began.

* * *

Yomi sat in a fetal position in the darkest corner of her apartment. There were those…_things _at the door, trying to claw their way in. The TV just kept on ringing, and Yomi had nothing to protect herself with…

Well…except for a bat. She grabbed it, and prepared for the zombie onslaught.

* * *

A head exploded, buckshot smashing through the zombie's skull like it was a marshmallow. Another infected turned to the source of the noise, only to receive a pistol shot to the head. A third victim prepared to strike, only to be brained by a bokken at high speed. Tomo leaped, rolling over the crowd of zombies to her apartment's garage complex, looking for her car.

She found it and unlocked it, a loud beep alerting every single zombie in the vicinity to her presence. Instantly, she jumped into the car and slammed it shut, locking the door as the zombies closed in.

Finally, in the silence of the car, she sighed, the zombies fruitlessly clawing the car doors. She casually looked through her album lists, and picked out a CD. She smirked, shoving it into her CD player, and turning on the car.

* * *

The zombies fell quickly, as Yomi and several other survivors were beating them, upon the rooftop of the apartment complex.

To alleviate the tension in this scene, I decided, instead, to do a Seuss-esque poem.

_One Zombie.  
Two Zombie.  
Green Zombie,  
Red Zombie._

_The zombie climbed.  
He climbed so high.  
Koyomi hit.  
She hit very hard._

_The zombie was dead.  
So very, very, dead.  
And the bat was broken.  
So very, very broken._

_And she needed a weapon,  
A deadly gun.  
So she could live.  
Send the zombies on the run._

_And thus it was grabbed,  
A nice machine gun,  
And the roof was covered.  
In zombie gore._

* * *

The car burst out of the second floor of the building, smashing apart the railing and turning more than several zombies into mush. It slammed into the ground, the zombie hoard cushioning its landing. It drifted, sliding down the road.

Tomo grabbed the radio in her cruiser, hoping someone else was still alive.

"Detective Takino here, police cruiser #832, come in?"

Static. Nothing.

She tried again. "Is there anyone ther-Ack!" She jerked the wheel hard right as a car flew by her cruiser, flying at high speed. It crashed into the ground behind her, cracking open much of the pavement.

"What the hell?" She continued driving, and saw just what threw the car.

The muscled beast roared, its horrific, jawless face revealing itself. It growled, and tore a chunk of concrete out of the street, and threw it at the cruiser.

"Oh…fuck." The concrete slammed into her car.

* * *

Yomi fired more and more shots into the zombie horde. It wasn't long before she was the only one still alive on the rooftop, the zed-heads surrounding everyone.

She screamed as one zombie scratched her cheek, and another clawed at her arm. She held on, firing into the unending mass...

when a helicopter landed on the roof, sliding across it and killing off most of the zombies. The pilot slipped out, a pistol in hand, and fired, killing Yomi's assailants.

The pilot yelled, wasting absolutely no time.

"Get in!"

* * *

The roof was sheared off by the concrete, giving Tomo a perfect opportunity. She grabbed the clutch, and floored the pedal. The cruiser sped forward, and Tomo grabbed her weapons. She dropped a single live grenade into the driver's seat, and jumped.

The car slammed into the giant infected beast, throwing it backwards. The monster grabbed the car, only for it to explode in its hands, sending shrapnel everywhere. Hanging onto life by a thread, entrails hanging out, it lumbered towards its attacker, who had rolled onto the ground, landing with nary a scratch.

"Is this thing fucking invincible?" She pulled out a pistol.

It was then that a loud woosh filled the air, and a helicopter landed. It crushed the giant, blood splattering its rails and the underside of the chopper. The pilot opened the cockpit and shouted.

"Get in, you moron!"

The helicopter flew above the destroyed city, plumes of smoke rising from the ruins of Tokyo. The pilot slipped off her helmet, revealing just who she was.

"How are you today?" She looked behind, turning on autopilot as she flew. "I welcome you to Air Kagura!" Her brown, short hair bounced as she jumped up.

"Where the hell were you?"

"How did you know where we were?"

"What the _hell _is that smell?"

"All of those are legitimate questions. None of which will get answers now. Now wait a moment, I have to pick up the others."

"What." The chopper lurched, and flew onward, over the zombie infested ruins of Japan.

* * *

Zetsubou...CHANNERU!

Nozomu: Greetings and welcome to Zetsubou Channeru, your home of despair, misery, and author's notes.

Kafuka: From the author, we have a special note! _She opens the note, revealing a small paper. _Ahem!

Voiceover by Stephen Fry: _As it stands, this is a side project. At best, it is to be updated biweekly. However, it is still as fun as hell to write. There will only be five chapters; it's more of a zombie movie than anything. I hope you enjoy your ZOMBIE KILLING TIME as much as I did._

_Also, the chapter names are songs from Zombie games and movies. If you can guess what film/game that the song's from, you get...a pat on the back._

Nozomu: And that concludes the Channel of Despair, see you two weeks from now!

Kafuka: Also, no fanservice!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: For Whom The Bell Tolls

* * *

"Faku!"

"Stop exercising English and start shooting!"

"So many of these things!" A zed-head climbed over the desks, only to have its head explode spectacularly.

"Any help arriving?" The first teacher, hair a curly brown, loaded a shotgun.

"Not likely!" The other teacher took a pistol and shoved a magazine into its handle. "Just keep them out!"

"Kind of hard to do that!" Yukari jammed a desk under the door, and then threw some more at it in an attempt to keep the living dead outside.

"Lock the door! Shut the windows! Hide yo kids. And yo wife!"

"In case we don't make it, I have to tell you something." She pumped the shotgun again.

"And what's that?"

"I like high school girls."

"…What."

* * *

"We're almost there! Two more minutes before arrival!" Kagura yelled to her passengers.

"Our teachers?"

"Apparently. They must live together or somethin'."

"I knew it!" Tomo smirked.

"Knew what?"

"That they were _that way._"

"You sicken me."

Tomo simply snickered.

* * *

A hooded zombie screeched, leaping forward into Yukari's face. She ducked, jamming the shotgun into its chest and firing, bone and organs splattering everywhere. "Damn hunters!"

"You have names?" Nyamo fired her pistol again.

"I don't. Valve does!"

"Who's that?"

"TANK!"

"Thanks for that." It was then that the aforementioned zed crashed into the room.

"That's not who Valve is! That's the _tank!_"

"Fitting name!" They opened fire.

* * *

The helicopter hovered close the school building. Kagura looked inside. "Ah! There!" She positioned the chopper close by.

"What are you doing?" Yomi screeched.

"Lock and load! We're almost out of fuel! This bird's goin' out in a blaze of glory!"

"WHAT?" Tomo grabbed her weapons as Yomi did the same.

Kagura yanked the stick towards the building, jumping out of the cockpit. She ran back towards the other two girls. "Get ready to jump!"

The chopper hurtled towards the school building as they jumped out.

"Fuck! Out of ammo!"

"Me too!"

* * *

The tank growled. Those pitiful _BOOLITS _tickled.

"Well, Nyamo, it's been fun."

"What the hell was with that schoolgirl comment?"

What happened next was probably the king of audacity. The chopper crashed through the window, rotors screeching against the ceiling. The cockpit flipped, the engine spilling out of the helicopter. The rear rotor spun out of control, actually flying off into the tank's face, tearing it to meaty little shreds.

The copter slid to a stop, fuel leaking out of it as it finally halted in a horrible, mangled mass of steel, plastic, fiberglass, and shovelfuls of orphans' dreams.

As the horrible screeching of floor and helicopter came to an end, Yukari decided to answer Nyamo's question.

"I just really enjoy young nubile girls."

"…You're sick, you know that?"

"Thank you!"

* * *

Tomo groaned, taking her head off of the roof. She stood up, and looked around. "Everyone survive?"

"Yes." Kagura coughed, as she tore off her helmet.

"Still alive." Yomi groaned, lifting herself onto her feet, before yelping.

"You alright?" Tomo ran over to her, and picked her up.

"Broken toes. Twisted ankle. I didn't land right." She grunted in pain as Tomo lifted her with her shoulder.

"Still better than dying in a chopper crash." Tomo grinned. "You're not the most agile person around."

"Go to hell." They went into the building.

* * *

Yukari poked her head out of the window, warily moving along. "It's clear. Nothing in the halls."

"Goody." Nyamo went out beside her, pistol loaded and ready. "Maybe there's a survivor."

"I doubt that. Possible though, but I doubt that."

"Wait, I heard something."

"Footsteps? Way ahead of you." Yukari sucked in a lungful of air.

"HELLO! ARE YOU A ZOMBIE? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, I'LL- FFJIDOASHIOfkp…"

* * *

"Was that a survivor?"

"Sounded like Yukari-baby." Tomo jumped ahead. "Stay right here."

"Like hell I will!" Yomi got on her feet and started off…only to land on her face. "Shit!"

"Don't forget your injuries, Koyomi!"

* * *

"Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"

"Don't speak too loudly! We just gave our position to the zeds!"

Yukari shouted a long string of garbled profanities as she choked in Nyamo's grip.

"Yukari-chan?"

"Tomo? Was that-HACK- Tomo?" The teachers both stopped.

"Yukari!"

Yukari got out of the PE teacher's vice grip. "Tomo! It's been too long!" Tomo slammed into the older woman, knocking her a good foot backwards.

"Tomo? As in Tomo Takino? Huh. It's a small world."

* * *

"Find anything?" Kagura shouted from down the hall.

"Our old teachers! It's Yukari and Minamo! They're here!"

"So they're alive. That's good to hear." Yomi deadpanned. "She didn't die of liver poisoning?"

"Har har har." Yukari made an annoyed face. "And you didn't work yourself to death, yet?"

"Well, fuck you too."

* * *

"This looks like it still works." Kagura slapped the hood of the car next to her. "The engine's kind of bloody, but the fuel tank's full."

"Fuck that! We're taking the Yukarimobile!" Yukari pointed to her old car, which was still covered in dents. And the occasional rusty blood smear.

"Let's not and say we did." Yomi picked herself up with her good leg, using the bat as a cane.

"Whoa! You're still…"

"Healing. Yes. I know. I broke it like, what, _ten minutes ago_?"

"Duly noted."

"But that's beside the point." Minamo waved her hands. "We still need to ride. We're going in _this _car."

What she pointed to was a monster. A fully plated, armored truck, with the words "JSDF" printed on the side. In it, were several guns, lined up, ammo in neat little boxes side by side. It was a little dented, and slightly beat up, but it was fully loaded and ready to go.

Tomo smiled. "I don't know why this thing's here, but I ain't complainin'!"

Yukari leaped inside. "And it's full of gas too!"

"I really like this!" Kagura shouted.

"What about your precious Yukarimobile?"

"Yomi, we're in the middle of an apocalypse, and sacrifices must be made…"

"That's bullshit."

"So it is. Does that really matter?"

* * *

The armored truck crashed through the many barriers on the road, recklessly skidding around Tokyo. It spun around, as its driver, one Tomo Takino shouted.

"NOW IS COWARD KILLING TIME!" A car was shoved out of the way, actually igniting as it flew.

A zombie looked up, its mouth red from its latest kill, only to have its head forcibly removed by a high-velocity bumper.

Yukari, enjoying Team Fortress 2 almost as much as Takino, decided to get in on the action. "I HEAR SOMEONE BUILDING DAIPER CHANGING STAAAATIOOOOOOON!"

"Now…Kagura, where is Sakaki?" Yomi asked, as Nyamo steadied her foot, having been healing people in the gym for several years.

"According to what Chiyo told me, she's supposed to be in Hakone."

"Say…how did she know that all of this was happening?"

"She never told me. All she did was give me your addresses and locations on a map."

"That's incredibly unhelpful." Yomi sighed, just before she twitched, then grasped her wound. "Shit!"

"Careful there!" Nyamo wrapped an empty magazine around her foot. "That should be a good splint…"

"I need some kind of crutch…"

"There's one right here." Nyamo picked up a crutch. Yomi sighed.

"Thanks."

* * *

The truck reached Hakone, which looked liked hell.. The town was full of craters, smoking holes with dirt and dust spiraling through the air. The buildings were ransacked, and bodies filled the street.

Most of them were infected.

"They need to clean this place up. It's gone to hell since I've been here last." Yukari leaned back in her seat.

"Damn right." Tomo agreed.

The truck drove through the ghost town, as they moved cautiously.

"Alright, so she should be…right here!" The truck turned right towards a single veterinarian's office. Tomo got out of the car with Yukari.

"Sit right here. Don't die. I don't like friends dying." Yukari said, gripping her gun as Tomo loaded her own weapon.

"Oh, you think!"

* * *

The two women entered the building, Yukari with a rifle, Tomo with a shotgun and a bokken. They walked slowly, before they heard a cough.

"Hello?" Tomo shouted into the darkness. "Helloo~?"

"That sounds unhealthy. Are you alright?"

The coughing stopped. Then a single, fleshy tentacle lashed out of the darkness of the hallway, grabbing Yukari by the neck.

"Shit!" Tomo slammed the appendage with her bokken, breaking it. There was a scream, as the…thing retreated into the darkness.

"What the hell was that?"

"A smoker?"

"I doubt it. The zombies aren't based on Left 4 dea-" The zombie revealed itself, tobacco-filled smoke rising from its bloated gullet, numerous growths covering its face and neck. It coughed, as it prepared to lash out at the women once more.

"Fucking smoker!"

"I told you, man! I TOLD you about Smokers!"

It was quickly annihilated with a quick shot the skull, blood and bone splattering across the wall.

Tomo gripped the shotgun even tighter, as a series of screams started to echo through the hall. Yukari aimed with the rifle, ready to fire.

Suddenly, the hall was filled to the brim with a horde of commies, spilling everywhere as they clamored towards their freshest meal.

The women loaded their guns, aimed…

And didn't even need to fire.

Out of a room on the right, came a claw, as a fearsome lion rode out of it. The fangs glistening, the fur wet with blood, its eyes seemed to glow as it sliced into the zombie horde without effort. Gallon upon gallon of blood spilled out of the zombies as the animal did its work. It roared, before rearing up on its two hind legs, and slamming into the remaining bits of the horde with its forlegs.

It stepped onto a single zombie's skull, crushing it effortlessly, like it was a rotten apple. It hissed as it stepped towards the two women, eyes full of malice.

Yukari readied the gun, before Tomo pushed it down.

"Hey! What are yo-"

"Shh! I've seen this in movies." Tomo walked over to the oversized cat. The creature looked at her. She stuck a hand out, and pet the head of the beast.

It purred.

"It's so cute!" She pet it again.

Yukari looked childish. "Can I pet i-"

The cat growled.

"I guess not."

"I think we know what Sakaki's been doing this whole time. She's been helping animals." She walked over to the room that the lion had burst out of. And she gasped. "_Wild _animals…"

"It's a zoo!" Tomo yelped.

"Yes, it is." They both turned to see a woman in a labcoat, edges slightly red with blood, with a rifle in hand.

"Sakaki!" Tomo glomped her, almost knocking the taller woman over.

"Good to see you too."

* * *

Zetsubou...CHANNERU!

Chiri: Absolutely no reviews. It's still not a proper fic.

Kaere: You can't expect an M-rated zombie fic to get too many reviews here. It just doesn't happen.

Chiri: It has to get at least one! Or else it's improper! Improper things are to be buried! Cleanly! Yet bloodily...

Kaere: Do that, and I sue.

Chiri: The next episode will arrive eventually. Also, fanservice! Any proper anime has it!

Kaere: This isn't an anime! And Azumanga Daioh had little to _no _fanservice! Are you fucking stupid?

Chiri: NOT A PROPER! PROPER! IMPROPER!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: RE: Your Brains

* * *

The NHK was not as high-quality as it once was.

Once a bustling hub full of entertainment and anime, it has since been run down. Many of the windows were blown out, and there was a large hole in one of the sides. Several steel beams jutted out at odd angles all over the tower, and several chunks of concrete were actually falling to the streets below.

The interior did not fare much better. There were loose papers flying about everywhere, and the ground was slick with blood. Several bits of gore were spilled about the area, and, to no one's surprise, zeds roamed the interior.

One such zombie noticed a spot of red hair. It growled, seemingly grinning as it ran towards the apparent survivor. Maybe he would be getting a meal after all.

He grasped the head, barely noticing the lack of resistance from the captor, and bit down upon it.

It tasted…fluffy. He spat the head out, trying to wipe the stuffing from his tongue, before a trap door opened up above him. From it, came a large copy machine.

He never recovered.

* * *

From atop the NHK headquarters, in a large office/apartment, was the CEO of Japan's largest network. Sitting at her desk, hands tented, she giggled as she saw a poor little zombie get crushed messily.

She turned around, one leg over the other, her eyes full of a calm acceptance. Some called a "Crazy Bitch." Others an "Ingenious Nutjob."

However, the people that she saw parking in front of the building had called her a very different name. A name from a happier time in her life. A name that, although misleading, was far more memorable to her than any other.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's OSAKA!"

* * *

"That's the _last _time we use a goddamn armored _truck._" Yomi swiftly kicked the goddamn armored _truck_. And promptly knocked off its bumper.

Tomo reprimanded her…or tried to. She was busy laughing her ass off. "Now it's useless. Nice going, Yomi!"

"Go to hell!"

"Calm down." Sakaki said, arms raised, a worried look on her face. Her pet lion seemed to have the same look on his own face, as he raised his paws and shook them, as if to say: "Oh shit!"

"Is that all?" Tomo grinned. "You need to be more creative with your insults!"

"What are you, _twelve? _We're in the middle of the _goddamn apocalypse. _Creativity in my insults…Hell, _knocking off a car's bumper, _is fucking irrelevant!"

Yukari started to sing. "Bitch-off! Bitch-off!"

"_Fucking irrelevant? _Really? I bet that's what you were thinking when we escaped fucking _Hakone, _with said fucking _bumper, _in the _fucking _truck, as we were running over every _fucking _un-_fucking-_dead motherfucker on the _fucking _road!"

"Oh, Says you, you _cunt!_"

Kagura put her hand to her face and sighed. "We've got stuff to do, and the NHK building should have _some _kind of vehic-"

"So I'm a vagina. That's wonderful. At least I'm not being fucked _daily _by some random _assholes, _just so you can get some _promotion_."

Yomi turned, a dark expression on her face. "_What._"

"You fucking heard me! You fuck for promotions! I bet that sucks! You goddamn _slut!_" Tomo looked…then slapped her hands to her mouth. 'Shit!'

You could hear a pin drop. All of the women in the parking lot stared at the policewoman, then back to the office lady.

Kagura wisely took a step back.

"You…"

"I didn't mean th-"

"You…Little…BITCH!" Yomi took a flying leap, her twisted ankle forgotten, hands poised, aimed directly for her best friend's throat.

Tomo jumped sideways as the other girl slammed into the ground, arms outreached. The ankle hit last, and struck the pavement hard. Yomi curled up as she gasped, sharp pain shooting through her leg.

Nyamo looked nonplussed at the situation. She glared daggers to Tomo, and picked Yomi off of the ground.

* * *

Osaka stopped shoving the popcorn into her mouth as she moaned. "That wasn't funny! That was depressing!" She threw her remote at the screen in a huff.

* * *

The group walked inside, Yomi holding a pistol while being supported by Nyamo. Kagura held onto a crowbar, an AK-47 in her left hand, and Sakaki had a hunting rifle, complete with scope. Yukari had a carbine ready, and Tomo had a shotgun on her back, a pistol in her holster, and a mounted machine gun in her arms as her new trenchcoat, slightly covered in blood, flapped in the wind. She had a cigarette in her mouth.

"That's a little much." Yomi deadpanned as Tomo lugged the enormous gun around, her feminine form betraying her masculine stance. "Compensating for your lack of a dick?"

Tomo opened her mouth to protest, only to have Nyamo glare at both of them. The argument died before it even began.

They walked forward in an uncomfortable silence…

That was quickly squelched by the sound of a falling elevator. It smashed into the ground, as its doors exploded outwards, bent slabs of steel falling off of the destroyed hunk of metal that was once an elevator. An enormous amount of silly string, ticker tape, and confetti was sprayed into the lobby as the only intact thing in there, a single television set about the size of a small microwave, flickered to life.

"HERRO, EVERYNYAN, and welcome to the NHK headquarters!" The CEO said with enthusiasm. "I am your host in this apocalyptic hellhole, Ayumu Kasuga, but you_ bastards _might know me as Osaka!" The happy expression on her face turned to a far harsher expression, a parody of her former self. "Hello again. Yes, this is live. And yes, you can talk back. Sit down for…hold up."

Osaka pressed a button on her chair, and several office recliners were dropped into the lobby.

"Now sit down."

The other girls sat in them, with the lion sitting on the floor.

"As you can see, I have assumed direct control of this facility. I control the exits, and the elevators. I set up this elevator up just this morning; I saw you guys driving here from Hakone. Having a scope helps."

Osaka cleared her throat. "While I do have control of the building, I do _not _have control over the _zombies_ in said building." A loud crash was heard down the hall, before a fireball lit the area. Glass poured down into the lobby, thankfully away from out protagonists, as a zombie had gotten its innards splattered everywhere.

"Ergo, traps. Zeds like human flesh, for some odd reason, so don't tap any 'survivors' on the head. They either go 'boom,' 'splat,' or 'SQUGELKWECHAEEEECH.' No. Really." Osaka sighed. "Now, don't do anything stupid, and use the stairs. This was the last elevator-" Osaka then looked at them, a blank expression on her face. "Oh…maybe smashing it wasn't a good idea…"

She turned to look at the footage. The crash was flamboyant and spectacular. "Oh, who the hell am I kidding! That was awesome! See yah in a few minutes!" The connection cut out. Then the TV flickered back on. "Also, there're several special prizes up here for you. They're custom made, and there's enough for all of us." And the TV shut down for good this time. Then burst into flames. Then exploded spectacularly, considering the size of the damn thing.

"That was…odd."

As if to punctuate the strangeness of the igniting television, a zombie fell down the shaft, having been kicked in its ass by a boot. It skull split unceremoniously, its tattered business suit splattered by the imploding head. Sakaki would have cringed, were it not for her tendency to non-react to anything and everything. Oh, and seeing several bloodied zeds kinda desensitizes people. _Just a little._

"Up the stairs!" Kagura shouted, shoving the crowbar into her belt. The group ran up the stairs, only for a part of it to collapse from the force of an eviscerated tank's corpse, having been killed by an explosive boot.

The group turned quickly, jumping out of the stairwell as it fell to the ground, Sakaki's lion barely landing onto the floor. They continued their run, shooting the various zeds as they rushed up the emergency stairway. As they ran, killing whatever zeds were in the stairwell at the time, the gunshots alerted every zombie in the tower to their presence. With each successive level, the mass of zombies rushing behind them grew larger. They reached the floor just below Osaka's level, only to notice that the stairs had suddenly ended, a scorch mark making the cause of the discrepancy obvious.

Kagura was the first to comment. "The hell-?"

Yukari pointed to the left. "There's another stairwell over there-oh shit."

"What's wrong, Yuk- oh shit." Tomo promptly summed up the situation.

Across the singular hallway was a ridiculous number of traps, explosives, and zombies, all of them ravenous, staring at the morsels that had just revealed themselves.

The parties stared at each other, before the zeds realized that they had a clear numerical advantage.

They did not, however, recognize their own lack of weaponry.

Tomo took the liberty of starting the bloodshed, readying her _heavy weapon. _"Back on my feet, fucker!"

* * *

The group was running at full speed now, a zed army behind them trying to catch up. The ones in front were slowly being obliterated, a path just barely large enough for the entire group to get out in the process of being cleared out. Sakaki sent her lion forward, the beast tearing apart more and more of the zombies. Tomo leaped, jumping onto its back, the monster roaring as its rider let loose on the horde. Several hundred large-caliber rounds filled the zombies. The room was looking less like a sea of zombies and more like a sea of blood.

Splatter after splatter of blood spouted out, as the group ran onwards, as Yomi pulled a grenade out of her pocket. She tore out the pin and flipped the fuse, and tossed it. The team ran up the stairs at the end of the hall, as dust, smoke, and shrapnel rendered the zombies on the level below them quite dead.

* * *

The electronic doors to Osaka's office opened quickly as they ran inside. The door shut just as quickly, as the group leaned against it, the adrenaline rush of just having outran what probably accounted for half the population of that district of Tokyo leaving them in awe.

Of course, they had _no _idea what waited for them at the top of the tower.

The room was enormous, and it seemed more like a _hangar _than an CEO's office. How such a facility was supported by the tower was mind-boggling.

"Surprised by the size? It's held up by…_MAGIC._" And from on high, Ayumu Kasuga started her descent from on high. Her platform stopped as it struck the bottom. "It was hell getting this warehouse ready for you guys. The easy part was getting your presents."

"Presents?" The team seemed rightfully incredulous.

Nyamo was the first to speak. "What kind of presents?"

"The ridiculous kind." Ayumu slammed a button on her left arm. Suddenly, an explosion rocked the facility, as the back wall of the warehouse promptly collapsed into several thousand bits of debris.  
"Oops. Wrong button." She slammed a button on her _right _arm, this time. Then, from the ceiling, several mechs were lowered, each one heavily armed, each one about five meters tall.

The girls stared, wonderfully awed by the enormous mechanical giants, as their host flipped her hair behind her head, and stuffed a large, expensive cigar into her mouth.

"First come, first serve. We'll leave in the morning. Until then, start painting."

* * *

ZETSUBOU..._CHANNERU._

* * *

Nami Hitou: Welcome back! It's been a while since we've been here!

Abiru Kobushi: Yes. It has. The author has yet to post his story: NGA at its typical schedule. He claims it is because of his college classes, but it is really because he is a lazy bastard.

Hitou: Eh? Be kinder, Kobushi-san!

Kobushi: No.

Hitou: How improper!

Kobushi: Says the normal one.

Hitou: _Hitou was growing increasingly indignant. _Don't call me normal!

Kobushi: NGA is going to be updated soon. However, don't count on the bastard keeping a proper schedule. He's becoming obsessed with the plot, trying to find out how to properly write and right it.

Hitou: Bandages aren't popular anyways...

Kobushi: _Her emotionless facade, usually broken only by the appearance of a tail, had shattered. _**I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!**

Hitou: Until next week, this is _ZETSUBOU CHANNEL! _Have a good week! Also, no fanser-

_Kobushi quickly crushed the other girl in a flurry of punches. The fight got intense. And the author promptly ended the chapter right about n-_


End file.
